23rd April 2011:


Hi Blog! Not sure if anyone is going to read this post cos havn't posted for sooo long alr. When i saw my blog message is " life - a never ending drama" somehow it related to the situation that i am in now.


Sch has been ok. But my cher asked me "what do u wanna do in ur life?" n i was silent. My classmates all had their goals in life, mostly related to tourism, but i just dunno wad i want. Was arranged to see the SP counsellor bcos of this. Im really afraid. I've worked so hard to get to where i am; Honour Roll tudent, SB Achiever, n getting a Dipl. with merit once i graduate. Will even be accepted to all local Unis. I am living in the dream my classmates are jealous of. But i never seem as happy as wad they perceive me to be. What if after seeing the counsellor, i finally know that i am not into this tourism shit? How am i gonna handle it? Will all my hard work go to waste?


I've been asking my frens wad should i do. I really appreciated their advice, but i can never say wad it feels like exactly to be in my shoes. After wad my cher said to me, whenever i attend lectures n stuff, i dun even know y i am here. I am really in a life crisis now. Feels like a wandering soul with no aims/goals.... maybe a little suicidal feel too....


I just wanna be rich, to get out of this life that i have now. Ppl say life is deeper than just being rich, but do they  know how being poor can change this saying? I always wanted to be a fashion designer since i was a kid, but once my family's financial situation got worse, i knew i had to stop this dream as the fashion industry is so unpredictable n wad if i am not successful? I cannot let my parent live a comfortable life in they retiring age. Thats y i told myself to work hard n get a job that is stable n pays well. Thus, i chose to do business-tourism. from the start, i knew this is not what i wanted, but its wad i have to do in order to get out of the life im currently stuck in. Of course, how i feel so unappreciated in the family is also not helping rite now :(


Ha can't believe i just saw my last post saying that i wanna find out wad i wann do in life n look wad now? I'm still stuck in this mess. Need to decide now as it is very important in deciding which internship i wanna do. Hav been praying n praying to God to give me a sign on wad i should do. Not doubting Him, but till now no signs were given n im getting really worried. Being the only Catholic at home, my level of faith is dependent on myself n i hope that if till of the day no sign is given n i hav to decide/depend on myself, i will still know that He is there for me, n not become some Atheist.


Ok, after typing all this, i feel so much better :) But i do really hope to get out this stupid situation i am in now. Someone save me! Everyday i feel like i am sinking deeper n deeper in a vast lake of quick sand, a bottomless pool. How i wish i can just crawl under a rock n sleep forever....